By SHEDDY OZOENE
Penultimate week, the Lagos State Government threw married men in the state a bombshell: husbands who have sex with their wives without their consent could face prosecution and, in some circumstances, life imprisonment.
It came, as they say, from the blues; at a time when our attention has been taken over by insecurity and scary prospects of the impending 2027 elections. Lagos suddenly reminded married men that there may be another danger waiting for them at home.
The warning was given by the Director of Public Prosecutions of the Lagos State Ministry of Justice, Dr Babajide Martins, during a media briefing to mark the 2026 Domestic and Sexual Violence Awareness Month. His message was simple: marriage does not mean permanent consent to sex.
Fair enough.
While one does not support a man forcing himself sexually on his wife, it’s alarming that the subtle negotiations and even disagreement between husbands and wives over sex could now end up in court. Consent matters, no doubt, but on intricate issues like this, the devil is in the details.
What exactly amounts to consent? Can a husband take his wife’s “No, darling” as a firm no? Or is it just part of the usual husband-and-wife negotiation These questions matter because, according to the DPP, although Nigerian law does not traditionally treat forced sex within marriage as rape, Lagos State’s Criminal Law provides for sexual assault by penetration.
A husband who forces himself on his wife could therefore be prosecuted and, in certain circumstances, face a maximum sentence of life imprisonment. Yes, life imprisonment!
That is a very long time to spend explaining to fellow inmates that the whole trouble started because you ignored your wife when she said, “Oga, abeg, leave me.”
Now, if you ignore her and climb, she may just allow you have your fill. Then in the morning, she will pick her umbrella, walk to the DPP’s office and report you. If you’re unlucky that she bears any grudge in these days of harsh economy when men hardly fulfill their promises, you may end up in Kirikiri.
Yes, it’s as bad as that. Wives now hold their husbands by the jugular. Or – more appropriately – by the scrotum.
In some marriages, “Oga, abeg, leave me” may have served over the years as a normal green light. Some men even need that subtle refusal to get fired up. Today, its like the yellow color in a traffic light ensemble. You dont know whether to proceed or to stop.
I worry about Lagos husbands, especially because, in our society, the word “No” has sometimes been a remarkably elastic word. When a woman says, “No, sweetheart,” some men have been culturally conditioned to see it as part of the negotiation rather than a final refusal.
Now that the law has entered the bedroom, Lagos men are now expected to figure out whether a wife’s refusal is temporary, emotional, conditional or absolute. Without understanding the difference, some men could find themselves in court.
Let us also be honest: sex has sometimes been used by both men and women as a bargaining tool in domestic disputes. When the husband is doing well, money is flowing and everyone is happy, intimacy may come easily. But when money is tight and tempers rise, sex can sometimes become part of the punishment. Should Lagos State add a legal dimension to this already complicated situation? These days, you’d find out that most wives suddenly develop a mysterious headache after dinner, which is likely to last until morning.
Of course, genuine illness, exhaustion, emotional distress and every other legitimate reason for refusing sex must be respected. But where intimacy is deliberately withheld as punishment or manipulation, that too can damage a good marriage. Does Governor Babajide Sanwo-Olu realise the danger of creating more tension in troubled homes?
And what about the religious dimension of the matter?
I am an Anglican, and recent Bible Study sessions in my church have focused heavily on marriage, family life and the responsibilities of husbands and wives. Christian teaching is clear that sex is part of marriage, but it is not supposed to be a battlefield. Neither should it become a weapon. And, ideally, it should not require the services of a lawyer.
The Bible teaches couples not to deliberately deprive each other of intimacy. It should not be used as a weapon or turned into a transaction. But most women, including those who claim to be born-again, use it as a potent weapon. That is why they become uncomfortable whenever our Bible Study teacher begins his own ecclesiastical interrogation of the subject.
Yet, that is where we are.
When I raised this matter with Garba, my Muslim friend from Katsina, he simply laughed it off. Garba who is 54 and has three wives, sees the whole matter as a problem mainly for monogamous Christians. He cannot imagine all his three wives refusing him at the same time. By his own mathematics, if one wife withholds consent, there are still two others available for negotiation.
Good for him; but good Christians like me are restrained. Which is why we consider the law an unnecessary intrusion into our marital affairs.
While I agree that the law must protect women from sexual violence, the question is: should the Lagos State Government add legal minefields to couples’ domestic negotiation, possibly turning that marital disagreement into a criminal case? Now, the men, many of whom will face unusual deprivation, will have no alternative when that negotiation fails. Except for those who can find their ways to Ayilara Street in Surulere, where, I am told, consent comes at a fixed price.
