By SHEDDY OZOENE
I’m not one of those impatient Nigerians nagging President Bola Ahmed Tinubu over his refusal—two years after assuming office—to appoint ambassadors for our foreign missions. The man clearly knows something we don’t. Our foreign missions, despite being headless, are not collapsing. In fact, the embassies are even more vibrant without those tie-wearing “Your Excellencies” burning our dollars in diplomatic cocktails. Besides, the President himself has been serving well as our Ambassador-in-Chief, shaking hands across continents, attending trade exhibitions, arranging future Nigerian settlements in Japan, and signing MOUs in Brasilia. With his kind of do-it-yourself presidential hustle, who needs career diplomats?
But since Nigerians love the title and insist we must have ambassadors, perhaps we should redefine the word and satisfy them. Forget Oxford or Cambridge; Nigeria has its own dictionary of greatness. And what a bold start! The government has tapped none other than King Wasiu Ayinde Marshal—KWAM 1—as an ambassador. Who better to represent Nigeria’s troubled aviation industry at home and abroad than the cultural icon?
In considering KWAM 1 as ambassador of Aviation Security the Minister of Aviation and Aerospace Development, Festus Keyamo, said the musician will create public awareness on appropriate behaviour within the aviation environment. The operative words are ‘appropriate behaviour’. What better reward for a show that was trending globally on social media, attracting attention from the likes of ICAO, the global aviation watchdog.
There are instances before this; it’s not the first time. In 2023, Nigeria’s National Drug Law Enforcement Agency (NDLEA) announced that it was collaborating with Afeez Adeshina Fashola, popularly known as Naira Marley, in the war against drug abuse advocacy campaign.
The deal with the Afrobeats artiste, I dare say, has worked wonders among the youths. Check the stats. Nigeria’s anti-drug awareness is at an all-time high. Today, you can count on the fingers of your left hand, the number of youths who are into any kind of drugs at all.
Think about it. With an ambassador like KWAM 1—who, by the way, has magnanimously volunteered to work free of charge—why should we keep funding those grumpy, budget-guzzling diplomats? His fuji sound waves have already conquered continents: from Mushin to Morocco, from Lagos Island to the island of St. Lucia and from Calabar to Calcutta. What better way to project Nigeria’s soft power? If KWAM 1 can make Europeans dance to Yoruba proverbs they don’t understand, surely he can persuade them to wet-lease their aircraft without insurance guarantees.
For sure KWAM 1 earned his new rank. Let us look at that small airport incident three Thursdays ago at the Nnamdi Azikiwe airport in Abuja, where, of course, he truly proved his ambassadorial mettle. An air stewardess—an airborne bus conductor, really—had the audacity to suspect that his royal flask contained alcohol. Suspicion, not evidence! But KWAM 1 handled it with the calm grace of a statesman and non-career diplomat rolled into one. Denied boarding, he marched to the front of the aircraft, held up the flight, and defended his honour against a nosy airline worker.
Imagine such courage! Imagine if he had actually been drunk—he might have punctured the plane’s nose. That he remained calm and did not vent his royal anger is proof enough of his sobriety and, frankly, his eligibility for the position he finally bagged.
Of course, killjoy critics dig up “irrelevant details” just to tarnish his image. They remind us of the 2019 coronation of the Olu of Iwo, where the fuji icon allegedly slapped a broadcaster? A mere broadcaster! Or the drummer he allegedly assaulted? And other major and minor skirmishes lesser men would call ‘scandals.’ But in Nigeria, we call such things “field experience.” Career diplomats sit behind desks and yarn to no end, without results; KWAM 1 settles disputes with open palms. Which one is more effective?
And when Nigerians on social media demanded his arrest after the minor airport brouhaha, did he rant like a common man? Certainly not. He issued a calm, pre-recorded broadcast, presidential in tone, and wisely disappeared from public view. He knew Nigerians’ outrage had a short shelf life . Sure enough, by the time Comfort Emmanson distracted the nation with her dangling nipples, everyone had moved on.
Yes, Ms. Comfort Emmanson. She is that beautiful, well-endowed patriot whose ‘mammary display’ gripped the nation for all of four days. Did she deliver an inspiring TED Talk? No. Did she win an Olympic medal? No. She fell victim—yes, victim—to another set of air hostesses; one thing led to the other until those ripe pawpaws dangled in the air. She not only captured the attention—some say imagination—of millions of Nigerians at home and abroad but also instantly became an internet sensation.
If Guinness World Records had a category for the most-watched mammary displays in four days, Comfort would hold the title. For this alone, she qualifies as an ambassador, too. And she deserves her own $100,000, an Abuja apartment, and a national award. What is good for the Falcons and Tigresses is also good for Comfort. She even trended more,without kicking or throwing any ball.
And if trending on social media, for whatever reasons, is the new ambassadorial standard, then let’s formalize it. I have a few suggestions.
King Wasiu Ayinde Marshal, (KWAM 1) deserves more than a mere Ambassador. I suggest we elevate him to the more befitting title of ‘Ambassador Extraordinary and Plenipotentiary’ , with apologies to the late KO Mbadiwe. And Comfort Emmanson should become Her Excellency, ‘Ambassador-at-Large for Strategic Endowments’.
The senator who slapped a shop attendant in Abuja should be rewarded with the ‘Ambassador of Gender Equality’ title. The Internet fraudster arrested for flaunting fake wealth should be given the title of ‘Ambassador of Digital Innovation.’ That rep who swallowed the funds for constituency projects without trace should become our ‘Ambassador of Sustainable Development.’ Bello Turji? Well, let’s just attach the suspected kidnap kingpin to the Ministry of Defence, or NAPTIP, as our ‘Goodwill Ambassador of National Reconciliation.’
Yahaya Bello, accused of misplacing ₦80.2 billion, should take notes from KWAM 1. Instead of allegedly hiding under Gov. Ododo’s bed in Lokoja, he should issue a dignified apology video. For such ‘transparency,’ we could crown him ‘Ambassador of Anti-Corruption,’ and even re-classify the billions as his severance package.
The possibilities are endless. With Comfort’s curves and KWAM 1’s slaps leading the way, we might finally find something the world will recognize as uniquely Nigerian.
Together, they represent a new Nigeria: a country that laughs at its own disgrace, and then promotes it to high office.
Sheddy Ozoene is the Editor-In-Chief of People&Politics, Nigeria’s leading publication on people, politics and policy.
